Not Exactly Whipping the Crowd Into a Frenzy

I’ve seen a lot of shows in my life as well as hearing many live albums. To get the crowd going, bands will often speak to you between the songs. Just mentioning the town they are in can often get the crowd so charged up they blow the roof off the motherfucker (rock lingo). Not often, but sometimes, (perhaps due to the near heroic amounts of drugs and alcohol in their system), they fail miserably.

Off of Anthrax’s new live album:
“How you feelin’ out there tonight Chicago!? Yeah, you’re rockin’ tonight! Like an antique chair on a motherfuckin porch! You know, like on a pleasant day with a glass of lemonade, fresh fuckin squeezed! This one’s called ‘Caught in A Mosh!’”

Marilyn Manson show ’99:
“How many AnitChrists do we have here tonight?! It’s time to destroy all those wholesome things we believed in that have soured and become rotten! So help me out, who wants death to conformity?! Death to the government?! Death to God? Death to LITTER?! Let’s start by cleaning up our own mess, this one’s ‘Cake and Sodomy!’”

Anti-Flag show ‘03:
“This one’s about local measure 67; rewording of the treasurer’s official job description including all obligations and responsibilities! Overseeing, but NOT necessarily responsible for all oversight of budget spending directly or in any way having to do with special interests regarding water and power! The corruption ends NOW!

Kiss live album ‘78:
“Now my people I know you believe in the spirit of ROCK N ROLL! But sometimes when people talk about rock, it turns out they’re all talk. When you rock, you gotta walk the walk, not just talk the talk. It’s cool to talk the talk—about rock—as long as you’re rockin’ the walk… or walkin’, wait… rock walkin’ YEAH!” People in the back, you ready to rock?! I can barely hear you, sounds like you’re just talk! So people, if you believe in rock, let me hear you WALK!

Comedy Philosophy

Comedy and making people laugh is a big part of my life. I have been reading this book recently; “The Grand Olde Art of Making People Laugh,” by ‘Marvelous’ Marv Zimmons. Written in 1921, Marv describes his nearly 20 years performing in various Vaudeville shows as well as many solo shows. He describes his philosophies on comedy, which I found fascinating, as there are so many similarities to his ideas of comedy back then, and my ideas of comedy today. Here is a short excerpt which I’m sure you will find interesting:

“Sometimes getting a feel for you audience is easy. Obviously, you can’t just walk up to an old biddy and say, “How do you make a five year old cry twice? Poke him and wipe your dirty old chap on his teddy-bear!” Even if she wasn’t picking her grandchildren up from Sunday-school, most likely she would be offended. Now, if you laughed, even a little, then this is the right book for you, but if you’ve got a swarm of bees between the knees, I’d suggest you stop reading and get back to sewing or laundry as you are probably a dried up shrew, or a dandy fop. If you chose to continue you are probably a sick fuck. It’s OK, being a sick fuck is great! You’ll almost certainly enjoy life more that the whiney old sourpusses. Look, it’s science-fact that all jobs are soul crushing, and the person who laughs more is 20% less likely to go home and swallow the business end of a horsepistol. So, go ahead, admit it, you’re a sick fuck, and proud of it! Just remember; sick fucks joke about child rape, crazy fucks rape children. Sick fucks also joke about crazy fucks.” (pg 23).

Today

I had this great angel/devil-on-your-shoulder moment today. You see, there’s this dude who always sits with his dumb sign outside of the abortion clinic. As I was leaving with a fresh abortus, I wondered if I should show it to him. The angel, naturally, said “no way.” Surprisingly the devil agreed claiming “you can do so much more evil if you stay employed.”

Have some fun at work.

Sometimes when I have to speak to someone at work, I’ll walk up to them pretending to be on my cell phone. Then I will say one of the following, and quickly end the fake phone call. Then I jump right into whatever business I have with them.

…Look I know narcolepsy is a disease, but if you’re going to be proctologist…
…I’m just saying, when I look in the bowl I don’t want to see purple!
…Yeah well, it wasn’t my nose she was concerned with!
…It may not be as long, but at least it’s level.
…No they didn’t serve sushi, and spicy tuna roll meant something completely different.
…Well, she figured if her phone can be set to vibrate then her… …Yeah, to ring!
…Yeah, we both agreed, only for salads.
…and we both agreed, what happens at Chuck-E-Cheese stays at Chuck-E-Cheese.
…Carrots are one thing, but I’ve gotta sit most of the day, ya know!
…Look, my mouth is my mouth but… …Yeah, yeah, I gotta go.
…Look, a fever is a fever, but there’s only one way you’re taking my temperature.
…Yeah, I was in the Boy Scouts… Father who? No, I didn’t go to church.
…I don’t care what kind they are, I’m not into beads!
…Yeah, I know when in Rome, but that shit’s Greek!
…before that I thought ‘balls to the walls’ was just a saying.
…more than a pine, she was a noble fir if you know what I mean.

Thoughts from today.

I don’t like swimming. To amend that statement; I like playing around and hanging out in a pool. I hate swimming lessons. I went into this place today the smelled exactly like the hallway leading to my childhood swimming lessons, and all of a sudden those familiar waves of fear washed over me again. I hated it, because I knew they were going to make me dive into the deep end. They called it the ‘beaver dive.’ Back then, I would have been happy if I never did another ‘beaver dive’ again, now I spend every waking hour trying to find a girl to do it with.

Dear Rogue Carpet Cleaners:
Rogue is a stupid name for a carpet cleaning service. “Wait, you didn’t clean these, you got drunk and peed on them… you rogue.” “These carpets are filthy and you fucked my girlfriend… you rogue.” “No I’m not interested in a cutlass duel…” These rogue jokes doing anything for you?

Here’s a good example of how out of touch with reality and history I am. So I was watching this episode of “You Bet Your Life,” and Groucho is asking this contestant about her hobbies. She apparently likes to parachute jump from hot air balloons. She has been doing it since 1908. Now, if you asked me if parachutes existed in 1908 I would have said “no fucking way.” If you asked me the first year people started to parachute for fun, I would have said “probably around 1990.”